I love to use websites for inspiration for my writing, especially when I can’t seem to come up with anything I think is worth writing. My favorite site is Thoughts From The Blue Notebook and today’s topic deals with frustration. Which…I guess is a good topic for me because Frustration is a great friend of mine.
Back that one up, maybe not a great FRIEND but due to my physical issues, it is a constant companion.
Frustration comes to visit right along with the Darks. I feel down and I get frustrated because it makes me feel inadequate, lazy and whiny. I am afraid I am getting a reputation as a hypochondriac because I have so many things on my health plate. I get myoclonic seizures which annoy the hell out of me. Imagine having your reflexes tested non stop for minutes or even hours! And there’s nothing I can do to stop it except take medication that I often run out of if I have a particularly bad month.
Frustration is there beside of me.
I want to take my son to the book store, have a mocha latte and read a magazine on home remodeling. I can’t because I have seizures and my license has been gone since September. I am optimistic though that I’ll get it back but Mr. Frustration mocks me now. And the time drags.
I think time and Mr. Frustration are close, personal friends…or just in on this together.
I’m content and happy with my life but I have this part of me that longs for the
magical recreation of those happy moments in my life. It’s like this part of me whom I call The Little Dreamer Girl wants to collect all the happy she can so we can just fall into it and roll around naked. (Okay TMI, I know but that’s what it’s like).
And very often this quest to bring me baskets of happy blows up in her tear stained face because like a cat bringing home a dead rabbit, only to make it’s owner happy, other people don’t really understand what she’s all about. Hell, I hardly understand all these parts of me. How can I expect anyone else to get it. And when they don’t get it, how can I even explain that it’s not ME doing this. It’s Little Dreamer Girl and I really have a hard time stopping her from gathering those happy things and bringing them home.
Frustration holds her hand I think and I wish she’d quit going off with him.
Frustration digs deep into my soul, what little I have left, when old friends won’t talk to me anymore. When people I thought would be there forever don’t want anything to do with me. And especially when they stop by and say hi never to return. Frustration exacts his revenge and takes his pound of my flesh and blood, and mind, and runs, cackling into the darkness.
Frustration is a contant in my life. Not MY constant (ala LOST) but constant enough that I am not surprised anymore when I feel his presence. I just try to remind myself that Frustration comes and goes, although at his own whim. I never know when he’ll show up or even when he’ll go.
He knows of my neshamale’s (Little Soul in Hebrew) deep connection to Israel and Jerusalem and he sits by the sidelines taunting me, enveloping me in sadness and homesickness, and making sure I know it will never be in my grasp again. He plays with my life like tinker toys. Some days he let’s me be built up and other’s he pulls me apart. His exaltation comes when there is absolutely nothing I can do, when I feel completely overwhelmed, powerless and empty.
But that’s how Frustration is. And sadly, I have to learn, somehow, to live with him. He will always be there and somehow I have to find a safe place and never let him win.