Worrying is just a fact of life for me. It’s like my job, it’s what I do. Last week I even had a trip to the ER for the start of an ulcer thanks to all the worrying I do.
I worry well and hard. I do my job well.
I worry about everything. Will we have a home next month (even though realistically I know we will)? Will we have food? Will we have clothing for the winter? Will we be able to pay our bills (especially since I have no income) and keep the wolves at bay? Will Scott love me even when I have a few bad days in a row? Will I be able to get the medication that keeps me off the third floor of the hospital? Will I sleep tonight? Will I be banished from my synagogue like I was from our last one? Will the few people that I can call friends shun me like so many others have? Will my father and sister drive me crazy? Will I run into someone I know and don’t want to see or talk to? Will I have a panic attack in public? Will I have a seizure? Will my blood sugar drop when I don’t have food on me to bring it back up? Will something happen to me leaving my son to fend for himself without me? What will he do? OMG what will he do?????
And so many more worries.
I don’t know if there is any one worry I’d get rid of if I could expunge just ONE of those worries. Which one would you pick? Which one would you pick to give me peace? Could there ever be just one?
I watch the show “Monk” and identify with him so much. I can remember when I was the old me. I don’t think that me can ever exist again. I am not that person and I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again.
The person I am sometimes catches glimpses of that girl but the person I am is scared, abandoned, abused, but mostly just scared. Despite a very content and loved life with my Scott and my Evan I do feel alone sometimes. I do feel terrified and I do feel afraid of meeting someone from my life before.
People I knew from before want nothing to do with me and people I knew in Israel don’t talk to me. Some do, granted, but most don’t. I am alone and adrift. I can count the people I trust on one hand.
What worry would I choose? In my mind there isn’t just one and the tears roll down my cheeks as I realize that I am consumed by my worries. Will these fears ever go away? I don’t know. I have been in therapy for my major depression for two years now. I am alive despite times when I wished I wasn’t. I don’t feel that way anymore which is good. I walk and breathe the air and actually I enjoy the solitude. I am getting used to being alone. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely.
The people I trust that I can count on one hand mean more to me than all the people I could trust in the Before. I don’t know what my after will be like.
I just wish I didn’t have to make worrying my lifelong profession.