A drive by NaNoBloMo Posting

Yes, I signed up to blog everyday in November and I have every intention to do just that. Only I forgot how busy I was today running here and there, seeing my therapist, buying the boy a new comforter…I forgot to get my blog together until I realized it just after I had taken my sleeping pill.

And realized I had about 15 good minutes before my eyes started crossing and today would be just a memory (along with this blasted headache I can’t seem to shake!)

So here is my drive by offering. I’m not proud but I do promise to be a little more substantial tomorrow.

Until then don’t let the bedbugs bite.

The Holidays Are Here!

I know that I am probably supposed to be the curmudgeonly Jew who reluctantly put up with the season of American excess and bacchanalia and is breathlessly grateful when New Years signals it’s completion and a return to normal American consumerism.

Yeah, that’s what I guiltily expect of myself as well.

But I have a confession to make and I might as well make it here and now while I still have your attention.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON!

There, I’ve said it.

I get onto the bandwagon the first of November and ride the Turkey bus through Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving! I like to make pilgrim hat place cards, search endlessly for recipes I’d like to try (even though I always make the same thing the same way year after year), watch the Macy’s parade with Evan and, of course, our traditional viewing of the quintessential Thanksgiving movie – Home for the Holidays!

I just love it.

Maybe because I don’t celebrate Christmas I just sit back and enjoy the sights and sounds and fun of the season. I love the tv cooking shows – I am especially addicted to all the Unwrapped shows where Marc Sommers goes and tells us how candy canes and turduckens are made. I like the kitschy Christmas movies like The Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to watching White Christmas and Christmas in Connecticut a few times every year.

I certainly have my Hanukah but I also am well aware of the nature of the celebration. It’s a small holiday in comparison to our High Holy Days of Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippor or even the fun and very festive holiday of Purim that most American Jews just ignore sadly.

I decorate a little and we light our own chanukiot and exchange small gifts. I make latkes and other special food items because for me, its a great time to try out all kinds of new recipes (even though I always go back to the old standbys like a good brisket!) I buy donuts and we play dreidel.

Christmas comes and finds me like it does countless other American Jews with a plate of Chinese food and a movie in front of me. I can’t say I am not bound by tradition now can I?

The holidays wrap up on New Years Eve when we have another big party for our little family with cocktail food and punch as we watch more tv and then race to see who can be the first to bed before the New Year.

It’s a great season for me. I am too poor to really be able to spend money on gifts like I was once able to so I sit now and knit presents that I think are cool and definitely made with love. I plan how to make Hanukah sparkle with homemade and dollar store decorations that Evan and I can make together. I stick cloves into oranges and I bake cookies while the snow flies outside.

It’s a nice time and a time I really enjoy.

So there…you have it. My confession.

No, I am not all of a sudden pulling a big, Griswald-sized Christmas tree into the living room. And no, I am not planning a trip to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap to whisper what I’d like under my menorah while perched on his lap.

What I AM doing is just enjoying each day as it comes and enjoying a time of year that is going to happen whether I welcome it or not. I have great memories of Christmases from when I was young. I can’t deny that now that I am a Jew. I don’t think it would be healthy TO deny that.

So I am embracing everything I am. The little girl who still has that look of wonder at the shiny lights and sparkly tinsel all around and the grown up girl who knows her boundaries and can still enjoy it all for what it is.

The Walking Dead – Am I Walking Away?

Last week’s Walking Dead found me fast asleep with 8 minutes to go.

THE WALKING DEAD MAN!

WITHOUT MY SLEEPING PILL!

No, I was NOT among those million or so lemmings who were “shocked” that it was FINALLY revealed that Eugene was faking it all along and DIDN’T have the cure.

I didn’t really care to be honest. That part of the storyline never gripped me like the storyline about Rick’s gang and I guess that’s where I am feeling the disconnect.

I don’t like splitting up the gang and having dueling storylines. I want to see more Daryl and badass Carole avenging bad guys and having a little bit of win for our band of walker stalkers. I want to see Carole bust Beth out and then bring her back and reunite her with Maggie. I want to see Rick get all ghetto on the preacher and see what happens when other wandering bad guys mess with our group of just-trying-to-make-a-living-hearts-of-gold survivors.

Yeah I don’t follow the comics and I am not a super, uber fan but that episode last week completely left me wondering where this was all heading. I was NOT in the mood to watch this little band of Abraham’s merry makers heading to Washington in their little church bus (well, until they NASCARed it dodging a herd of walkers about 5 miles after they left the church apparantly.)

And yeah, I fell asleep and to be honest, I ditched Talking Dead too.

So I am interested to see what tonight brings. I am committed to seeing the season through but last week has put a big question in my head and has me looking out for big sharks and Fonzie on a motorcycle.

**** Please leave a comment!!!!!

Thoughts on a Four Poster Bed

ikea_midsommar_600I took a nap in my bed…oh how well I slept. I am so happy to have my furniture here. I feel so…complete.

I have the most wonderful man in my life. I thought yesterday how he is absolutely the best man I have ever known in my entire life. He is so even and steady. Nothing upsets him.

Whereas I was ready for blowups on moving day reminiscent of past moving days…and I was nervous and edgy all day in anticipation, no matter what didn’t go the way we expected, nothing ruffled Scott’s feathers. Everything was okay and he made sure I was okay throughout it all, knowing how upset and nervous I was.

The main thing was how much care and love he showed just for me. I knew how much he loved me and I told him how special it was to me that he cared enough to bring all of the little things that were so important to me to our home.

I don’t own much and most of what I own isn’t really worth anything. But it means a lot to me for whatever reason. A dining room table where I spent happy holidays. A buffet and armoire I used to polish lovingly. A bookcase where I stored my beloved books. A bed I bought to get myself off the floor.

As pieces not worth much at all but as a whole…worth everything to me.  And the very simple fact that this wonderful man, who loves me so very, very much felt I was worth enough to take the time and the trouble to bring it all to me so that I could have these small, worthless things…means all that much more.

I am so very lucky and even that much more blessed to have him love me.

Six Words That Define Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

I subscribe to writing prompts and yesterday’s was to describe your current life situation in six words so here’s my stab at that.

Content in my four poster bed.

My first purchase when I came back from Israel and one that meant the very most for me was my bed. Prior to that I was homeless and a vagabond sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Having a bed frame and getting off that floor was a step up…literally and figuratively.

I had already met Scott because when I found the bed on Craigslist for cheap, he borrowed his daughter’s van and went with me to parts unknown to get it and the box spring that came with it.

We brought it back to my house….yes, the one without running water or sanitation…that I was basically homesteading off the grid in… and I remember the fun night we had figuring how to set it up with no instructions. It was an Ikea four poster white metal bed and I loved it. Sleeping in it that first night was heaven. To be off that floor and in a real bed was empowering a move that I can hardly describe in making me feel human again.

Not long after Scott decided that the conditions that I was living in were just too deplorable and offered me space at his house and I moved, leaving my bed behind.

And it was this past Thursday that finally, we were able to move not only all of my other furniture – an antique buffet, my dining room table and chairs, an antique armoire, a bookcase (can you have too many?) and a dresser for Evan – but also my cherished bed to my new home, finally leaving all of the horrible past that happened to me when I first returned from Israel behind.

So yes, those six words sum up how I felt yesterday very eloquently – content – very content – in my four poster bed.

Booyah!

For the guys who read my blog this is going to be really boring. Hell, for the gals who read my blog this probably also will be really boring but I just have to crow a bit.

You know how obsessed I am with my weight. I mean I went through a massively life altering surgery to get it under control and for the most part, medications excepted, I have remained pretty stable. Yeah, I have gained weight and yeah I have a problem with my blood glucose levels that is concerning right now and I have to deal with that but I do worry that I went through this all in vain and when I see the scales creeping up, I do start to freak a little. Regardless of whether my surgery was the right or wrong thing to do (and I would do it again despite the issues I have…so far the benefits of lowering my heart attack factors with a mother who died at age 40 of a massive heart attack from those very factors, well, I look at it like a pre-emptive mastectomy I guess) I live with it and I don’t want it to be in vain.

Soooo. Here I sat with an extra 430# packed on mostly from my anti-depressant medication. When I saw my doctor about my migraines, she put me on topamax which I must admit has been a wondermous medication despite what you might read online. I was a little apprehensive because of all the crap I’ve read. For me though it has cut me down from from daily migraines to 1-2 a month and if that’s not miraculous, well, I don’t really know what is. But I digress.

When we were discussing what she’d put me on she also mentioned topamax was wondermous because it would help me lose some of this excess weight. I, naturally, didn’t believe her even though I really wanted to. I was walking 3 miles a day pretty much every day and no matter what I did – exercise, 1200 calories a day…nothing helped. And of course, even the topamax didn’t help. I started that in August and so far, the weight wasn’t moving down even though I’ve stayed relatively stable. Which, I admit isn’t a bad thing.

I was considering a radical revision surgery until an online friend died from a revision surgery slightly MORE radical and then I just decided I was okay the way I am and remaining stable could be a goal in and of itself. Being alive and healthy was a GREAT goal and so I made it my goal and decided that was what I wanted more than being back to the thinnest I had been since high school.

In the meantime I also bought a new digital scale, mostly for Evan, who has been losing weight, and it seems, getting a LOT taller. I want HIM to be healthy but I also want him to monitor his weight loss, muscle mass and bone density so he does this in a healthy way. Of course I am using it too because I am at an age where muscle mass and bone density matter quite a bit too!

And the most fantabulous thing has started to happen. Well, two things. Motivating things, at least for me.

Since the scale has come, I have lost 6 pounds! And this has motivated me to MOVE a lot more! Not just once a day as in walking 3 miles in the morning but all through the day! I eat until my little Frankentummy feels full which is what I am supposed to be doing anyway. I fill it with fruits and vegetables and protein (corn is my current “thing”) and a little bit of starches and crazy stuff (okay, I raided the oatmeal cookies last night and had a Hershey bar) and every single morning I get a little tiny surprise. I don’t eat past my full point anymore. I try not to eat things that make me feel like death has come to visit. I drink more herbal tea and water. And I move a lot more. Stretching and bending more. I guess it’s back to yoga time for the winter 🙂

So I wanted to share this little victory. I don’t know if all of this plus the topamax is the key. I like to think it is because it’s supposed to be. And maybe it is. I am 14% to my goal and waiting for the first rebound weigh in because I am sure it will come and I am also sure it will disappoint me but after all of these losses I sure have a lot of success to look back on and know I CAN do it and I HAVE done it.

The scale also has an app that keeps track of the losses for me which syncs to the app I use for my UP band that I wear to track my sleep and steps every day so when I feel less motivated I can look at that too.

Motivation is key I think and I have a lot of that now. I just hope I can keep my enthusiasm together for the long haul and the rest of the 86% of my journey to goal!

Settling In

Up to this point, I have been rebuilding my own life from the ground up. Rebuilding inside and outside. Therapy has helped on the inside and for the outside I have acquired shoes and clothes and lots of books and yarn.

This week I have taken a new step in the rebuilding process.

I had some of my furniture still left in my old house. It hurts me so much to be there that I cry tears of such pain every time we have to go there. Scott and I had planned to get the boys to help and on Thursday this week, we would move my cherished furniture from my old house to my new house — the house Scott and I share.

I was entirely too upset to be a part of the “festivities” so I stayed home and worried myself into a migraine and upset stomach while the move was made but I was so happy when they arrived home and everything was brought inside.

We celebrated with pizza and donuts and by putting our bed together last night. We couldn’t get the box springs up the steps (they say that love grows best in small houses but come on!) but we still had the slats under the mattress so until we can get a set of separated box springs, it works.

In the meantime, there’s a lot more storage space which after rebuilding with clothes and shoes and books and yarn, I need a LOT of. AND there’s a lot of organizing, rearranging and homemaking to do.

And that, I think is the next step in my rebuilding. When I was out shopping last evening, I looked at tablecloths and bedspreads and dishtowels instead of clothes and cute socks. I think I am moving onto thinking of things around me and outside of myself.

I am moving onto making my house into my home and that’s a huge step forward for me…a long way from where I was two years ago and yet, a long way still from where I hope to be in two years.

There is a difference though that is the key. This time around I have dreams and I see myself in them.