I am so afraid of new situations. It’s not new to me. I guess I always have been my entire life. I remember hiding behind curtains when I’d have to meet someone new when I was a very little girl. I made my mom take me to the first day of school until my sophomore year in college for fear of things like the school bus stop, the school bus itself and walking into the building for the first time, roommates and just new things. I actually became anorexic when I was interviewing for becoming an exchange student during my sophomore year, nearly killing myself with anxiety on top of the hell and horrors that went on in my house.
This fear continued on into college and still continues. I would get sick on the first day of a new job or a new experience like joining a new club or group even though it was something I wanted to do.
It’s just always been this way.
And now that I have other more serious phobias, my social phobia has turned into full-blown agoraphobia, although very specialized and very defined. It’s very, very real.
Last night was the evening service for the first night of Rosh HaShanah and I decided we would go. I told Scott not to listen to any excuse I made short of a cerebral haemorrhage and me in the ER.
Scott has to work today and I also figured it was dark (it’s easier for me to do something in the dark) and we had every little step planned out.
We planned getting there REALLY early so we’d have a parking spot in the parking lot. I’d wear clothes I was comfortable in and we would be hyper prepared. I even called the temple early in the morning to just scope out the parking since it was what was really stressing me out.
I was ready.
I made a really festive dinner. Cooking calms me so I made roasted curry chicken with apples, wild rice pilaf with apples, sweet and sticky green beans and apple cake along with gala apples and honey. It helped because it turned out absolutely perfect, delicious and right on time.
Scott and Evan looked fantastic. I was in a skirt that I felt good in, a sweater and a pashmina shawl. I felt good.
Of course we forgot our tickets but we got them and still arrived in time to snag a space in the parking lot. We backed in. I took a klonopin so I’d be really calm and okay.
And it all worked out better than I could have hoped.
I cried throughout parts of the service as I felt Gd welcoming me and His love wrapping around me and the angels, Michael, Gabriel (especially), Uriel and Rafael surrounding me to keep me safe and there.
Scott was beside of me and I felt him there as I leaned against him. It wasn’t overly crowded and people didn’t really bother me although the gentleman in front of us wished us a “happy new year.” I replied “Shana Tova” and he smiled at me.
I thought the organ and choir would bother me as I tend to be more traditional but it was really, really nice and I loved it. I felt at home. The rabbi felt perfect for me.
Next week for Yom Kippur I am ready to go back.
I wish we could go Saturday for services but I know it’s all baby steps and that going for Kol Nidre and the next day may be more than my weak neshamale could handle and I don’t want to tank myself before I am ready even though I feel enthusiasm.
I am happy and I feel good. I am proud of myself.
I did it. And IT was huge for me.