Happy New Year?

Well, here we are, it’s a new year.  I have ditched my iPad in favor of a Kindle Fire tablet gifted to me by Alison.  It’s become my new best friend and also made me extremely grateful for those who gift me.  I seriously couldn’t afford such tech or gadgetry for myself and I do appreciate it.

I love it and am especially happy that the keyboard I got for the iPad works with it as well.  I am, in fact, typing on it as we speak.  I play sudoku on it, read more on it, take it places with me, watch Pride and Prejudice endlessly on it while I do dishes, write on it and take pictures with it.  Eventually I’ll figure out how to text on it and then, oh boy, I’ll be set won’t I?  Unfortunately it also makes window shopping on Amazon even easier but hey, my wish lists can’t hurt me.

It’s snowing out there today and I’ve been thinking about so many things for future blogs.  My big, fat Israeli divorce.  My heart bleeding silently for Jerusalem.  My love for my fiance and home here under the permafrost.  How these two things can be compatible in my life – my two greatest loves which are so very far apart.  My son, who is growing up before me and how hard this is for us both.  How autism morphs and changes and we blaze new and unknown trails every day as he grows into such an amazing young man and I struggle, as always, to just keep up and continue to wonder why people praise me for being a great mom – really, it’s because he’s such a tremendous young man.

I’m crocheting now after my knitting just disgusted me to the point of giving it up for now although Knitpicks has my nickel plated interchangeables for sale and they’re really gnawing away at me.  I still harbor that intense hatred for Polish customs for throwing away my needles in case you’re still wondering.  Anyway, I am making a “starburst” square afghan which consists of a gabillion little kinda granny squares that are really little starbursts that will all hook together.  I need a gabillion and I think I have 17 done.  Tune in later for more on THAT one.

I’ve been baking bread that sometimes people eat and lately, most of the time they snub.  Along with most of my dinners.  Oh Scott eats everything and praises what I cook and since I cook as an art, that makes me happy but still.  I have a can of raspberry pie filling and a package of yellow cake mix….I’m thinking raspberry filled cupcaked for Shabbat this week.  If I feel like it, I MAY share them with the children.

Then again, maybe not.  Depends.

I spent most of December worrying because on the first night of Hanukkah I got a call about my old house – someone was interested in buying it.  It wasn’t in the greatest shape and really, not in the best location and honestly, I wanted to just get rid of it before someone torched it.  The median sales price for what I had was less than $20,000 so I was happy with what we negotiated and I agreed to a sales price.  Talk about a Hanukkah miracle.  Most houses where my house was are on the market for 3-5 years and houses like mine?  Usually just abandoned.  So…being the worrier I am, I worried until the sales contract was signed and then I worried until the closing because I knew it would either fall through, there would be some wild lien I couldn’t even fathom or someone would torch it before we could get pen to paper.  I asked everyone I could think of for prayers and prayed as much as I could and to my own surprise on 31 December, we closed quickly, easily and with no fanfare.  Just signed the papers, said “Well, that’s that”, said goodbye to the ex, and walked away.  I never felt so relieved in my life.

I set about paying off debts I never thought I could pay off – I can’t even describe the feeling.  I have been so poor for so long and remain poor even after everything is now settled but I know that I am building a better life that hopefully will reveal itself.

Miracles are afoot and I bask in them.  I learned a long time ago that sometimes the only thing you can do is ride the tide of the miracles and just let HaShem do his thing and take you where you’re meant to go.  Fighting it really doesn’t get you anywhere and to be honest, basking in the glow of miracles is a pretty amazing feeling.  I recommend you try it.

I still feel anxious and, I hate to say it, depressed.  Maybe it’s the winter time even though I enjoy this time.  I think maybe depression isn’t even the right word.  Sometimes tired seems more like the right word.  Like life just makes me tired.  The happys aren’t as sparkly but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel happy, it’s like Scott said to me one evening when I was watching something funny on tv – “why aren’t you laughing?”  I was amused, just not enough to make me laugh out loud.  It’s hard to describe.  I suppose it’s like you can see the sun but it’s just not sparkly sunshine.  The sky is not a birdsegg blue.  You just DO, you don’t BE.  I can’t explain but that’s how I feel about it.  Sometimes I wish I could just sleep all day but I can’t.  I know that that’s what keeps me getting up each day.  If it weren’t so cold out, I’d be walking.  Routine powers my day but it doesn’t mean it’s any less exhausting just going about the routine of life.  And I am okay with it.  The routine gets me up and moving and I try to make little bits to look forward to, to break up the monotony of the routine….but the exhaustion and boredom remain.  Maybe someday it will change.  Right now, I just don’t see that.

So anyway, if I haven’t depressed you to death or bored you silly, happy new year to you.  Have you made any resolutions?  I used to when I was little.  I’d make – wait or it….schedules and routines for me to follow.  Now, not so much.  I make changes as I go…I don’t necessarily see calendar dates as the big time to decide to change my life.  This year I will be walking a 5k at the Pittsburgh Marathon and I am raising money for Evan’s Miracle League baseball team that allows kids with special needs to play adaptive baseball  (DONATE HERE) which is one of the most worthwhile things I can think of EVER doing so I am training for that.  And as usual I am doing random acts of kindness like carrying my emergency dollar to help people with change at the grocery store, helping out when I can (like bringing in trash cans when people are at work and it’s windy) and just trying to be a better human being this year.

#BlogELUL – End

I haven’t been really good at doing these Elul posts but I am not going to get all over myself about it.  I am here today right?

Today’s topic is END.

I ended a relationship this Elul and maybe not in the best way possible.  I decided that I couldn’t continue on with my therapist anymore.  It had to do with two things.  First it had to do with that I perceived as her blind devotion to the nurse practitioner she had me seeing for my medication checks.

I had told her at least three times that I could not stand this woman.  That I felt demeaned and not listened to.  That she messed up the medication scripts and then acted as if I was a medication seeking junkie when I tried to discuss my real issues with her.  When I told her I couldn’t sleep, she told me to do kegel exercises to I wouldn’t wake up at night to use the bathroom (really?).  The next visit she told me to eat a huge meal before bed so my blood sugar wouldn’t drop in the middle of the night (REALLY?).  I was getting half fills of medications and no refills on others I needed.  When I discussed ones that I’d had at the hospital just weeks before, she told me I wasn’t going to be continued on them anyway so I should just stop taking them before I ran out before I got attached to them.  This caused great angst and panic and well, a massive breakup.

And when I would tell my therapist all of this she would staunchly defend the nurse practitioner and this went on through three months of appointments…until it became clear they both had to go.

And this made me sad but I also knew I had to do it but like the Doctor (you know, The DOCTOR (Who)), I don’t like endings.  So being the super coward I am, I just called and said I was going in another direction and to cancel my standing appointment and thanks for the memories and bye.  I mean it sounds worse than it was simply because you can’t get anyone on the phone anymore so leaving a message is the only choice anyway.

But I also know not only does it sound bad, it was bad form.

So my resolution for Elul is to send a little card.  Not a great big one which would put me out of my mind but a little one and just say I went to another place and I am being taken care of by good people and a great doctor and not to worry.  That I appreciate all she did for me and I think of her often.  I think that would say all I want to say.

There’s another person  in my life that I lost through the divorce – the loss of whom saddens me.  We used to be very close friends.  As with all of it, it was a matter of whose story got to her first and she has chosen not to listen to mine at all, which, of course, is her choice.  But I would like to tell her how much I miss her, how sorry I am if I let her down or hurt her and how I valued our friendship very much.

I don’t want to get too far into it because I know it’s not all my fault and maybe it’s not my fault at all but I think it’s a good time of year to just say this and to never have to worry about it again so I will.  I don’t expect anything to come of it but my own peace of mind that I told her what she means to me and that I miss her.  I am not even sure I want to put a return address on the card.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like my son.  I raised that kid with such a powerful sense of self and right and wrong.  He knows his boundaries and he knows when someone treats him in a way he finds disrespectful.  He doesn’t accept it.  I bow to it and take it and ask for more of it.  I think the only situation where I haven’t in recent memory is this situation with my therapist…and of course, it weights heavily on my mind.  Did I do something wrong?  Will she still like me?

I have been having a rough week accepting my limitations due to my illness but hopefully I am moving in the right direction as we journey together towards Rosh HaShanah….a new year and a new beginning for us all.