I haven’t been really good at doing these Elul posts but I am not going to get all over myself about it. I am here today right?
Today’s topic is END.
I ended a relationship this Elul and maybe not in the best way possible. I decided that I couldn’t continue on with my therapist anymore. It had to do with two things. First it had to do with that I perceived as her blind devotion to the nurse practitioner she had me seeing for my medication checks.
I had told her at least three times that I could not stand this woman. That I felt demeaned and not listened to. That she messed up the medication scripts and then acted as if I was a medication seeking junkie when I tried to discuss my real issues with her. When I told her I couldn’t sleep, she told me to do kegel exercises to I wouldn’t wake up at night to use the bathroom (really?). The next visit she told me to eat a huge meal before bed so my blood sugar wouldn’t drop in the middle of the night (REALLY?). I was getting half fills of medications and no refills on others I needed. When I discussed ones that I’d had at the hospital just weeks before, she told me I wasn’t going to be continued on them anyway so I should just stop taking them before I ran out before I got attached to them. This caused great angst and panic and well, a massive breakup.
And when I would tell my therapist all of this she would staunchly defend the nurse practitioner and this went on through three months of appointments…until it became clear they both had to go.
And this made me sad but I also knew I had to do it but like the Doctor (you know, The DOCTOR (Who)), I don’t like endings. So being the super coward I am, I just called and said I was going in another direction and to cancel my standing appointment and thanks for the memories and bye. I mean it sounds worse than it was simply because you can’t get anyone on the phone anymore so leaving a message is the only choice anyway.
But I also know not only does it sound bad, it was bad form.
So my resolution for Elul is to send a little card. Not a great big one which would put me out of my mind but a little one and just say I went to another place and I am being taken care of by good people and a great doctor and not to worry. That I appreciate all she did for me and I think of her often. I think that would say all I want to say.
There’s another person in my life that I lost through the divorce – the loss of whom saddens me. We used to be very close friends. As with all of it, it was a matter of whose story got to her first and she has chosen not to listen to mine at all, which, of course, is her choice. But I would like to tell her how much I miss her, how sorry I am if I let her down or hurt her and how I valued our friendship very much.
I don’t want to get too far into it because I know it’s not all my fault and maybe it’s not my fault at all but I think it’s a good time of year to just say this and to never have to worry about it again so I will. I don’t expect anything to come of it but my own peace of mind that I told her what she means to me and that I miss her. I am not even sure I want to put a return address on the card.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like my son. I raised that kid with such a powerful sense of self and right and wrong. He knows his boundaries and he knows when someone treats him in a way he finds disrespectful. He doesn’t accept it. I bow to it and take it and ask for more of it. I think the only situation where I haven’t in recent memory is this situation with my therapist…and of course, it weights heavily on my mind. Did I do something wrong? Will she still like me?
I have been having a rough week accepting my limitations due to my illness but hopefully I am moving in the right direction as we journey together towards Rosh HaShanah….a new year and a new beginning for us all.