Being Jewish Makes Me So Happy

I love being Jewish….

There, I’ve put it out there.

But really it’s true.  And it’s so true that I really feel deep inside that I have to embrace my Jewish life ever closer to me.  I hate that I fell away, that I am so far away from it.  I want to be closer and while I still feel so embraced by Gd, I still feel that my foot is still on those first few rungs of the ladder.  My very own Jacob’s ladder.

But it’s still on there.  And I know I’ll climb up it again simply because of sheer will and determination.  I just feel that fire inside and as I grow ever closer to my return.

I really don’t even know that my return will ever be complete but I know that it’s a road I never want to stop following.

And Baruch HaShem, it’s one I never have to STOP following.

Rosh HaShanah: Pride

I am so afraid of new situations.  It’s not new to me.  I guess I always have been my entire life.  I remember hiding behind curtains when I’d have to meet someone new when I was a very little girl.  I made my mom take me to the first day of school until my sophomore year in college for fear of things like the school bus stop, the school bus itself and walking into the building for the first time, roommates and just new things.  I actually became anorexic when I was interviewing for becoming an exchange student during my sophomore year, nearly killing myself with anxiety on top of the hell and horrors that went on in my house.

This fear continued on into college and still continues.  I would get sick on the first day of a new job or a new experience like joining a new club or group even though it was something I wanted to do.

It’s just always been this way.

And now that I have other more serious phobias, my social phobia has turned into full-blown agoraphobia, although very specialized and very defined.  It’s very, very real.

Last night was the evening service for the first night of Rosh HaShanah and I decided we would go.  I told Scott not to listen to any excuse I made short of a cerebral haemorrhage and me in the ER.

Scott has to work today and I also figured it was dark (it’s easier for me to do something in the dark) and we had every little step planned out.

We planned getting there REALLY early so we’d have a parking spot in the parking lot.  I’d wear clothes I was comfortable in and we would be hyper prepared.  I even called the temple early in the morning to just scope out the parking since it was what was really stressing me out.

I was ready.

I made a really festive dinner.  Cooking calms me so I made roasted curry chicken with apples, wild rice pilaf with apples, sweet and sticky green beans and apple cake along with gala apples and honey.  It helped because it turned out absolutely perfect, delicious and right on time.

Scott and Evan looked fantastic.  I was in a skirt that I felt good in, a sweater and a pashmina shawl.  I felt good.

Of course we forgot our tickets but we got them and still arrived in time to snag a space in the parking lot.  We backed in.  I took a klonopin so I’d be really calm and okay.

And it all worked out better than I could have hoped.

I cried throughout parts of the service as I felt Gd welcoming me and His love wrapping around me and the angels, Michael, Gabriel (especially), Uriel and Rafael surrounding me to keep me safe and there.

Scott was beside of me and I felt him there as I leaned against him.  It wasn’t overly crowded and people didn’t really bother me although the gentleman in front of us wished us a “happy new year.”  I replied “Shana Tova” and he smiled at me.

I thought the organ and choir would bother me as I tend to be more traditional but it was really, really nice and I loved it.  I felt at home.  The rabbi felt perfect for me.

Next week for Yom Kippur I am ready to go back.

I wish we could go Saturday for services but I know it’s all baby steps and that going for Kol Nidre and the next day may be more than my weak neshamale could handle and I don’t want to tank myself before I am ready even though I feel enthusiasm.

I am happy and I feel good.  I am proud of myself.

I did it.  And IT was huge for me.

#BlogELUL – End

I haven’t been really good at doing these Elul posts but I am not going to get all over myself about it.  I am here today right?

Today’s topic is END.

I ended a relationship this Elul and maybe not in the best way possible.  I decided that I couldn’t continue on with my therapist anymore.  It had to do with two things.  First it had to do with that I perceived as her blind devotion to the nurse practitioner she had me seeing for my medication checks.

I had told her at least three times that I could not stand this woman.  That I felt demeaned and not listened to.  That she messed up the medication scripts and then acted as if I was a medication seeking junkie when I tried to discuss my real issues with her.  When I told her I couldn’t sleep, she told me to do kegel exercises to I wouldn’t wake up at night to use the bathroom (really?).  The next visit she told me to eat a huge meal before bed so my blood sugar wouldn’t drop in the middle of the night (REALLY?).  I was getting half fills of medications and no refills on others I needed.  When I discussed ones that I’d had at the hospital just weeks before, she told me I wasn’t going to be continued on them anyway so I should just stop taking them before I ran out before I got attached to them.  This caused great angst and panic and well, a massive breakup.

And when I would tell my therapist all of this she would staunchly defend the nurse practitioner and this went on through three months of appointments…until it became clear they both had to go.

And this made me sad but I also knew I had to do it but like the Doctor (you know, The DOCTOR (Who)), I don’t like endings.  So being the super coward I am, I just called and said I was going in another direction and to cancel my standing appointment and thanks for the memories and bye.  I mean it sounds worse than it was simply because you can’t get anyone on the phone anymore so leaving a message is the only choice anyway.

But I also know not only does it sound bad, it was bad form.

So my resolution for Elul is to send a little card.  Not a great big one which would put me out of my mind but a little one and just say I went to another place and I am being taken care of by good people and a great doctor and not to worry.  That I appreciate all she did for me and I think of her often.  I think that would say all I want to say.

There’s another person  in my life that I lost through the divorce – the loss of whom saddens me.  We used to be very close friends.  As with all of it, it was a matter of whose story got to her first and she has chosen not to listen to mine at all, which, of course, is her choice.  But I would like to tell her how much I miss her, how sorry I am if I let her down or hurt her and how I valued our friendship very much.

I don’t want to get too far into it because I know it’s not all my fault and maybe it’s not my fault at all but I think it’s a good time of year to just say this and to never have to worry about it again so I will.  I don’t expect anything to come of it but my own peace of mind that I told her what she means to me and that I miss her.  I am not even sure I want to put a return address on the card.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like my son.  I raised that kid with such a powerful sense of self and right and wrong.  He knows his boundaries and he knows when someone treats him in a way he finds disrespectful.  He doesn’t accept it.  I bow to it and take it and ask for more of it.  I think the only situation where I haven’t in recent memory is this situation with my therapist…and of course, it weights heavily on my mind.  Did I do something wrong?  Will she still like me?

I have been having a rough week accepting my limitations due to my illness but hopefully I am moving in the right direction as we journey together towards Rosh HaShanah….a new year and a new beginning for us all.